An old, but I’m told, a good recipe to prepare for those rainy days when the kids are nagging you and you just want to find them something productive to do. Its from the ‘Junior Fascist Cookbook’ page 34, 2019 Edition. Once you’ve tried this one theres a great recipe for coal-gas ovens on the following page called ‘How to Turn a Car into a Socialist Crypt’ but lets start with the easy one first.

Now the first ingredient – its actually the only one – is the seeds of 15 apples.

I’m using Granny Smiths, or they were Granny Smiths, they’re being sold as Granny Smiths but they’re not. They were, but they’re smaller now and too sweet to be Grannys, however, I’ve not found any recipe that specifies any particular apple so I’m guessing that its ok to mix them. I might just add here that I don’t think its going to be possible to ‘sue the manufacturer’. Ultimately you are the manufacturer, not the apple maker, and of course, its not going to be so easy to run a few experiments .. offhand, as it were .. til you get it right. Though it will probably soon be possible to request a handful of refugees to experiment on; and in that case its not going to matter if you don’t get it completely right the first, second or even third time.

I’d suggest that Mum starts to collect these seeds a little before time because having to eat 15 apples everytime your experiment goes wrong can be quite debilitating … Oh, and don’t let your own children lick the spoon on this one, give it to the dog or the neighbours cat.

So, now we have the seeds what do we do with them? First we crush them all up in the bottom of a glass, or some such recepticle – a quick theft from the school science lab would get you everything you need. Once the seeds are thoroughly crushed up add some alcohol – I’m using Meths, but any strong clear alcohol should work. (Kids, don’t let Mum drink all of whats left of this alcohol as you may need it as a mouth wash or enema for the cat, especially if you have skimped on the seeds). Really lay into this concoction .. I found that pretending it was a pool of social conscience wound me up enough to really mince into it, get it as mashed as you can so that the solids are all dissolved. I ended up with a milky liquid, and my, my, there are a surprisingly amount of seeds in 15 apples.

Now the bit that you need Mum for; we’ve got to heat this mush up gently on the stove top – we’re trying to evaporate or rather distil the goodies out. (Mum, theres a diagram for this process on page 90)*. We’re going to end up with some liquid which should be quite a nice shade of blue, its called Prussian Blue .. the colour, but the liquid itself is commonly called Prussic Acid. Its not very strong as far as acids go – in past centuries we’d just pour this stuff into a glass of wine or coke and the priests would gulp it down. Now, however, being a more humane society were going to take it a step further. Why you ask? Because, it doesn’t taste very nice and while that didn’t used to matter, because back then priests, kings, important people, would drink absolutely anything as long as they didn’t have to pay for it out of their own pockets … Let’s not forget, this isn’t for important people its for grandma or grandad, or perhaps an uncle ..

You’ll notice that while you have a small amount of beautiful blue liquid, you also have a blue salty mess of crystals in the bottom of the original recepticle – one of my girls absolutely loves crystals! This salty mess is really the stuff you’re looking for. Its called Potassium Cyanide; the stuff that dreams are made of. Take this salt, and once again .. if using your fingers DON’T LICK THEM! If you can’t get the cat back in and you haven’t yet been assigned your batch of refugees, perhaps next door has a wandering toddler you could give a little lick. Remember you’re making this for grandma, or grandad .. sorry sorry P.C, I still forget, and you want it to be a surprise and if you didn’t quite do it right the last thing grandma or grandad need is to see the neighbours cat and toddler reething around in pain out on the balcony. It will scare them unnecessarily.

This bit is tricky, I went to mates place and borrowed his pill press but most mums with a modicum of domestic ingenuity will be able to work out just what will be the best format to present it in. If you can make it into a pill then it will last longer but I’m sure it could be baked into a cupcake or stirred into a glass of Milo too.

And Voila! A guaranteed and dignified future without the need to vote. They make a wonderful Christmas present for grandmas and grandads. Make an extra batch and send it to the King .. who knows in which way you may be rewarded?

(I put mine in a lovely little vial that hangs around my neck. Everyone asks me about it and says, this is fantastic .. where do you get it? I always say, your kids will sort it out. Gives them a chance to show just how much they love you.)

*I’m not able to show here the Stil diagram for copyright reasons but I’ve just been told that someones put the diagram up on the ‘Having Fun with Socialists’ website – cheeky bastards. Just google it.